A few weeks ago I turned 22 and I decided to make a list of 21 things that I learned while I was 21, because this past year I have learned more about life, myself, and other people than any other year of my life. It has been an incredible year of discovery and growth, and I wanted to share some of that with you.
1. If I am not
content with my life right now, I will never be content.
"Someday"
is a dangerous word. Someday, when I have a career I'll be happy. Someday, when
I graduate high school/college/grad school I'll be happy. Someday, when I'm in
a relationship/am married I will be happy. Someday, when I have children, then
I'll be happy. Someday is a trap. There will always be something more,
something missing. I will never be fully satisfied if I place your happiness in
some future event or person. It will never be enough. This is it, right now,
right here. (Watch my YouTube video “Tomorrow Doesn’t Exist” for further
explanation).
2. Other people
are just as interested in me as I am in them.
For
most of my life I've had this story I’ve been telling myself that I'm not very
interesting and that people don't want to talk to me/hang out with me. I am
very interested in other people, but because of my insecurities I would always
keep other people at a distance, for I didn't want to be rejected by them.
Every time someone would show interest in me I would get confused. Don't they
know I'm not that interesting? Don't they know I'm not worth their time? I
would always wait for other people to come to me, for I didn’t want to risk
being rejected. I had to get rid of the notion that I’m not good enough, or
interesting enough. What I realized is that other people are just as interested
in me as I am in them, and I’d hate to think that I missed out on a really
great friendship with someone because we were both too shy/scared to say hello.
3. The little
voice inside my head is a liar.
The
little voice inside my heads is always telling me what I can and cannot do.
It's always setting up limitations. Vincent Van Gogh said "If you hear a
voice within you say 'you cannot paint," then by all means paint and that
voice will be silenced." The more I do the things that the voice inside my
head says that I can’t, the more I find how wrong that voice is. I’m discovering
that the voice inside my head is a liar, and there is nothing that I cannot do.
4. If something
needs to be said, say it.
I
am so incredibly afraid to be honest with people. I’m afraid I’m going to hurt
their feelings and afraid I’m going to look or bad or that other people are not
going to like me. I am EXTREMELY nice, and my tendency is to people please. This
year I’ve learned that my niceness has caused me to pretend, and it’s fake. I
have always been terrified of conflict, but sometimes it’s necessary. Ignoring
problems doesn’t make them go away; it just prolongs the inevitable and creates
more unnecessary stress and worry. People are usually thankful when you tell
the truth (in love) instead of saying what you think they want to hear.
5. Do Away with
Guilty Pleasures
I'm
22 years old and I like One Direction and Taylor Swift. Sometimes I listen to
Justin Bieber too. I like YA fiction novels, and teen drama TV shows. Some
people may say I'm too old for these, but who's to say? I like a lot of random
things and there’s a lot of “cool” things I’ve never even heard of. I’m tired
of pretending to like things just because other people do, or dislike things
because other people don’t. I like what I like and I’m not going to pretend any
differently so I can appear to have the same interests as other people.
6 a. The way I
see myself if not the way I actually am.
This
one came as an incredible surprise to me. Often times people think that the way
they see themselves is the way they actually are, but this couldn’t be further
from the truth. I think the person we have the most distorted perception of is
ourselves. We have so many opinions, judgments, assessments and beliefs about
ourselves that are completely inaccurate. This goes back to #2 “The Little
Voice Inside My Head Is a Liar”. The little voice that talks to me really has
no idea who I am, and the perception I have of myself is not the truth.
b. and the way I
see other people is not the way they actually are.
If
the way that I see myself is not the way I actually am, how could the way I
perceive other people be the way they actually are? We so often define people
by their actions, by their reactions, by their attitudes, but none of those
things are who they actually are.
7.
"Easy" is a Waste of Time.
I
have spent my whole life in the zone of easy and comfortable. And what did that
get me? More of the same. Nothing new or different will ever happen if I never
risk anything, if I never challenge myself, if I never take an action that I
have never taken before.
8. Give up
Always Needing to be Right.
"It
does no good to win the argument but lose the person". No true joy or love
comes from needing to be right. Most of the time people argue over mere
opinions, attempting to prove our opinions as the truth. Then we get angry
because we’ve decided we’re right and they’re wrong. We have a choice, to
always be right or to always be in the presence of love. I’ll go with the
latter.
9. The way I
perceive life is not the way life actually is.
I
am a 22 year old white female, residing in Oregon in the United States. The way
life occurs for me is very different from the way it occurs for a person of a
different race, gender, socioeconomic status, location, religion, etc. None of
these perspectives is the "correct" perspective, nor is any of these
perspectives the “incorrect” persepective. Learn to listen to other people's
perspectives, and don't write them off because they don't line up with the way
you think the world works, because their view of life is just as valid as
yours.
10. The world is
changed by ordinary people deciding to live extraordinary lives.
I’ve
always wanted to be an inspirational speaker, but didn’t think there was
anything particularly inspiring about me. Little did I know. People are
inspired by people who are authentic, who admit when they’re wrong, and who
express their vulnerabilities. The only difference between someone like you and
I and someone like MLK Jr. that he was an ordinary person who decided to live an
extraordinary life.
11. Playing the
victim only takes away my power.
It’s
easy and safe to blame other people for the situation we’re in, for the way we
act and behave, but doing so gives them the power. Playing the victim takes
away your power, and gives control to others over your choices, feelings, and
happiness. When I decided to stop playing the victim and took responsibility
for my life, my life became a creation of my own.
12. People who
seem attractive, confident, and successful don't have life figured out any more
than I do.
It's
easy to see someone with confidence and think "wow, they've really got
life figure out. They know what they're doing". But the truth is, they
don't have any idea what they're doing any more than anyone else does.
Something I've discovered is that everyone is insecure about something, and the
way I perceive another person is not the way they perceive themselves. No one
has it all figured out. No one has all the answers.
13. Let People
Know How Much You Appreciate Them.
I
have let far too many people come in and out of my life without letting them
know how much they mean to me, how much they’ve inspired me, and how much I
love them. I didn’t want people to know how much they cared, for fear that they
did not care for me back, but what good did that do for me? It just left me in
a whirlwind of “what ifs” and “I wonders”. The good news is, it’s never too late
to let someone know how much you care.
14. Being
Vulnerable Is a Good Thing.
For
the majority of my life I have avoided vulnerability at all costs. I thought
vulnerability equated to weakness, I thought I would be rejected and scrutinized
if I was ever vulnerable. What I discovered this year is that just the opposite
happens. When one is vulnerable, love, belonging, self-expression, and happiness
are found. I thought that vulnerability came with a risk of being hurt- and
that was not a risk I was willing to take. But in reality, vulnerability allows
you to be free from the constraints of your thoughts, of fear, guilt, and
shame. Vulnerability gave me freedom, power, and self-expression in a whole new
way that I never could have expected.
15. Ask Yourself
"What Do You Want Your Life to Be About?" Take a Stand For Something.
What
is something that you are passionate about? What do you really care about? For
me, it’s young people. There are far too many young people who believe they are
unwanted, unloved, and worthless. And I am absolutely determined to find a way
to show them that none of these things are true. Not even a little a bit.
16. Don't Be
Afraid to Ask For What You Want (You Might Just Get It)
My
whole life I have been afraid to ask for what I wanted- either because I didn’t
think I deserved it or didn’t want to seem greedy. Don't assume that you won't
get what you want or that you don't deserve what you want. Wishing, wanting,
and waiting won't get you anywhere. Share with other people, and they just
might surprise you.
17. Own Your
Story. (Stop Hiding From Other People)
This
is something that I am extremely guilty of doing. I put up a front, I pretend,
I try to impress. It's not authentic. This can come in many forms, whether that
be passive aggression, outward aggression, shutting down, or putting up a front.
For me, I like to say "I don't know." It deflects another person's
questions, preventing them from getting to know me. And I’m tired of that. I’m
tired of hiding from other people.
18. Stop being
so concerned with looking good.
Be
weird, be loud, be confident. Sing at the top of your lungs, do some crazy
dance moves. While it may feel like you're making a fool of yourself, more
likely than not people will admire you for your confidence. Plus, you'll have
more fun.
19. Inaction
will NEVER produce results. (Real Life
Doesn't Occur Inside My Head)
I
am a thinker- an over thinker. I analyze, examine, and think about everything.
I rarely seek advice from anyone else and I try to figure everything out for
myself. For years I’ve felt like I’ve been stuck in a rut; living the same life
over and over again with no change. I’ve believed the cliché that “Good things
come to those who wait”- but this year I’ve learned that that is full of crap.
Because in reality, nothing comes to those who wait. Nothing changes. I’ve
lived my whole life waiting, wishing, wanting, hoping- and have got nothing for
it. Taking action is the only thing that will ever give me results for the life
that I want- different actions than ones I have taken in the past.
20. When I don’t
contribute, the world is missing something.
I
have never thought that other people need me. I’ve had the thought before, that
if I just disappeared, everyone would be just fine without me. I thought I don’t
really need to contribute and there’s nothing I can do or say that will make any
sort of different for anyone else. In school, I was the absolute quietest kid
in class. I would only talk when someone talked to me, and would never raise my
hand. By not contributing to the conversation I was not allowing others to be
exposed to my unique ideas and insights and because of that, the group was
missing something.
21. The only
real thing in between me and the life I want is me.
Once
I was able to stop blaming other people or God or whatever for my
circumstances- I was able to see that the only real thing between me and the
life that I want is me. My fears, my insecurities, my doubts- that is the only
thing in the way, really. If I decide to be responsible for my life I have the
power to overcome these things, but it does take something. It takes the
willingness to accept what is, and to create a new plan from there.